Feelings,

please do not betray me. please do not let emotions take control and wreck havoc. Feelings, please do not cause hurt to me and others closest to me.

On failures and success

Dear me,

i m writing to you to let you know that failures do not make you a failure. Yes, on the contrary on what you think and believe, you are not a failure. God does not design you to be a failure. Therefore, failures do not equals that you are a failure. Fear. You are so fearful of failure. When your mind tells you that you are a failure, your emotionally and spiritually state will be at the weakest. Remember! It's a lie to think that you are a failure. Do not fear. Success comes when you reflect and learn from failures. But do not fear to take responsibility! Do not let the fear of failure captivate you.

Thank you God! Your grace and love abounds!

Swirling Thoughts

I decide to write something, to scribble my jumble-up thoughts again.

- i realized that my perceived self-worth is based on my perceived achievement.

formula: self_worth = achievement (wrong!)

i feel like the top of the world when i have achieved something..whether in career, academics, music, etc.. and when i stumble and fall, so is my perceived self-worth, it goes down ..
i have to stop thinking like this. for my self-worth and identity is in You..Lord, help me to grasp and hold on to this truth..

formula: self_worth = You + Cross (correct!)

- God, need You to help me to do research! i really am lost!

One of those bluesy night

There is this famous saying "Life is like a roller-coaster". First is up, then the next instance is down. and the cycle goes on n on.
tonight , or rather this early morning (4.04am) is one those nights which i m feeling ....feeling..lost, blues, confused. depressed maybe? hope not. anyway, couldnt stand being alone in d room, so i decided to head to McD's in town. i felt much better in the car while driving, i always love driving with "Acoustic Alchemy" playing softly. come to think of it, driving makes me feel i m in control. especially when the road is rather quiet and free from jam. i m just finding myself..
so back here in McD, feeling refreshed physically after a big mac , fries and all. i love being around people, yet i prefer to be quiet one, observing ppl's smile and laughter. McD's is usually full of happy ppl ..

here are some thoughts i want to relieve them down:

- emotions are deceptive to me. because i m so afraid that my feelings betray me contrary of my best intentions. these days, i feeling a vaguely soothing emotion yet confusing. i like the feel yet i knw i should use more of my head and wisdom. gotta be strong here and guard my emotions.

- life ..life ...debt ridden. my debts are study loan. before i stepped into working world, i was such an idealistic person. full of hopes, dreams and none of the concern and skepticsm. today , after 3 years working, the sequence of thought has been reversed. yes, chasing after the wind..just like what the Bible is talking bout. Yes, the Bible talks bout the futility of life without Him..i need to find You in my life, without You, life is utterly meaningless..even if $, status, talent, etc

- Loneliness. Nowadays i felt lonely. Far from Him , distance from loved one. I like to have time alone but hate the feeling of loneliness. Time alone and loneliness is not equivalent. Nop, there are not. at the moment , i have no real "family bond". Could it be one of the reason? Friends. Yes they are the colours of my life, yet not exactly always here for me. i also realized that loneliness comes from within. It is possible for me to feel lonely eventhough i m surrounded by friends.

- Music. Musicians are temperamental. that's what they always say. i m a musician, not pro, but not bad, over the average maybe. however, i aint a poser in loving music. Music is an integral part of me n life. I think i m such a emotional person, i really wish that i m not. i envy happy go lucky people. but that's just me. i try not to show it much in front of people but when alone, the emotional part of me surface. Expressing myself through music. a song always has a message. its true!

- Smile and laugh. I need to see the world with much smile and laughter. i m learning from people who loves life, enjoying with smile and laughter. yup, i constantly need to remind myself to smile always, DESPITE of circumstances.

- I thank God for everything. I thank God for blessing me when i dont deserve it. I thank God because Your love never fails, Your grace is always with me. I thank God, because You watch over me even when i let You down and not thanking You enough..I thank God because You are Love.

- Weak. Humans are weak. So m i. Fragile. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. I need to depend on You. Help me to remember to depend and acknowledge You in everything i do.

- Research. I am trying to fall in love with research. i need You to point me to right direction. I need You to show me the light and wisdom. Because all wisdom and knowledge comes from You. You who create the heavens and the earth.

- Pride. i realized that i have pride in me. Sometimes i m critical towards people. I think of how they should act and speak according to my own standards. Who am i to judge? yet, sometimes i felt that i m better than them. I believe that i have improved on this area over the years, but i check on not allowing it to surface..

Ok...i m tired now. Feeling relieved when i can put d0wn these thoughts in words. Before that, they were like all mixed up in a soup in my mind..i dont expect any1 reading this blog anyway..this is more like a personal diary to me, a scribbling wall..

time to hit the road and go home..

Thank you God. Sincerely. I knw i m not thanking You enough..

Quiet n a Bluesy Nite

I recalled a verse quoted by a close friend of mine, it goes:

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)

Reflecting oh this verse, i couldnt agree more to this verse. Afterall, this verse was given through King Solomon, who is the wisest man who held the most understanding during his time.

Many a times, situations seen gathered heads debating certain issues (and non-issues) that are to be addressed at that point of time. Or someone needed a couple of advice from a group of buddies. Out of my ol' habit, i am contented by observing and listening to understand and reflect the proceeding conversation.

Well, i honestly wonder if some of the debate points , advice, opinions and arguments are necessary and well-meaning. Some people may disagree but i sincerely suspect many opinions or advice are formulated just so to reflect the "intelligence" or "maturity" of the speaker.

There are times these "listeners" (they really should listen more than they speak) present were so eager to juice out whatever opinions / advice they had in them. Without thinking. Without the wanting and openness to understand first the issue. Without looking at the bigger picture. Without first listening to what others have to say. The way i hear them, opinions are sometimes voiced on the basis of appearing intellectual.

Opinions are just a package to disguise under-current egos.

Worse yet, most of these "intellectual" opinions are just..well..opinions that don't really contribute anything at all..they do not empathize with the real issue at hand or function as potential solutions. Sometimes, they merely create confusion; side-tracking the real issue or sweeping the issue under the carpet! (Malaysian style,huh!).

Everyone is looking for the chance to appear intellectual, hence let's all race to see who can give the most intellectual , never-thought-of opinions? Suddenly, the entire perspective is shifting towards people to sound intellectual and clever. The original subject of matter had long been side-lined. Sad..

Sayings like "Walk the Talk" or "Actions speaks louder than Words" are so true! Likewise, the credibility of the person must come first before we may accept and respect his opinion and advice.

Couple of thoughts

- Life needs direction, esle, we are just running in circles. better to stop running, take a seat under a tree. get a map and course your direction. Take as much time getting your bearings right. But of course, get up and start running again.

- Products need marketing. So are people.Simple truth. Some talk and brag loudy, some wish to be seen in happening places, some are active in the Internet community, some wish to be friends with happening people, some wrap themselves with designer outfits, cars, bla bla etc. Today's game is all about marketing isnt it?

- Ignorance is bliss. This particular "wise say" to me have two qualities - one is that it couldn't be any nearer to truth itself, second it has a distinct cynical perspective to life. Thomas Gray is the author of the saying. According to wiki: Gray was so self critical and fearful of failure that he only published 13 poems during his lifetime, and once wrote that he feared his collected works would be "mistaken for the works of a flea." Half full or a half empty glass of water, neither the water nor glass should decide for me.

- Apart from music, another undying interest (interest that i ll carry on while on earth) is reading fictional books- action, political, epic, legends, fantasy, mystery, thriller, sci-fi..the sorts.I wont bother naming the authors..simply because there are many many favourite authors of mine, and even more names that i have forgotten.. haha. To me, the these authors had created,crafted and spinned the most intruguing settings, characters, storyline, dialogues. The magic and sentiments of the world between the covers of a book. I think i like books because no matter the outcome of the book, the contents can never change..it's all set..all set by the author. So..writing a book is equavalent to becoming a "god" in the fictional world. reading a book is akin to knowing the author's mind.

- Quote: "Why so serious?" - The Joker , 2009. I must and shall count my blessings everyday. Because of You, i am blessed abundantly. Thank You.

Badminton

I love badminton. my frens sometimes proclaim me an addict to badminton. Yeah, i play like 2 or 3 times a week at least. Why badminton? It's just like asking a drunkard, y keep drinking alcohol and n ending up pissing yourself all over? there are frens who are just like me, badminton lovers (or u can say badminton addicts). i love everyhing of badminton. the sweat. the feeling of sitting and watching a good game (or bad ones) from the bench. the sound of smashing. the sight of people falling on the floor after failing miserably to return the shuttle. of coz followed by sound of laughing. then comes the turn to play. briefly forgetting the realities of life and just focusing on the game :D. this post sounds abstract to many, but badminton players will understand this. Happy smashing!