One of those bluesy night

There is this famous saying "Life is like a roller-coaster". First is up, then the next instance is down. and the cycle goes on n on.
tonight , or rather this early morning (4.04am) is one those nights which i m feeling ....feeling..lost, blues, confused. depressed maybe? hope not. anyway, couldnt stand being alone in d room, so i decided to head to McD's in town. i felt much better in the car while driving, i always love driving with "Acoustic Alchemy" playing softly. come to think of it, driving makes me feel i m in control. especially when the road is rather quiet and free from jam. i m just finding myself..
so back here in McD, feeling refreshed physically after a big mac , fries and all. i love being around people, yet i prefer to be quiet one, observing ppl's smile and laughter. McD's is usually full of happy ppl ..

here are some thoughts i want to relieve them down:

- emotions are deceptive to me. because i m so afraid that my feelings betray me contrary of my best intentions. these days, i feeling a vaguely soothing emotion yet confusing. i like the feel yet i knw i should use more of my head and wisdom. gotta be strong here and guard my emotions.

- life ..life ...debt ridden. my debts are study loan. before i stepped into working world, i was such an idealistic person. full of hopes, dreams and none of the concern and skepticsm. today , after 3 years working, the sequence of thought has been reversed. yes, chasing after the wind..just like what the Bible is talking bout. Yes, the Bible talks bout the futility of life without Him..i need to find You in my life, without You, life is utterly meaningless..even if $, status, talent, etc

- Loneliness. Nowadays i felt lonely. Far from Him , distance from loved one. I like to have time alone but hate the feeling of loneliness. Time alone and loneliness is not equivalent. Nop, there are not. at the moment , i have no real "family bond". Could it be one of the reason? Friends. Yes they are the colours of my life, yet not exactly always here for me. i also realized that loneliness comes from within. It is possible for me to feel lonely eventhough i m surrounded by friends.

- Music. Musicians are temperamental. that's what they always say. i m a musician, not pro, but not bad, over the average maybe. however, i aint a poser in loving music. Music is an integral part of me n life. I think i m such a emotional person, i really wish that i m not. i envy happy go lucky people. but that's just me. i try not to show it much in front of people but when alone, the emotional part of me surface. Expressing myself through music. a song always has a message. its true!

- Smile and laugh. I need to see the world with much smile and laughter. i m learning from people who loves life, enjoying with smile and laughter. yup, i constantly need to remind myself to smile always, DESPITE of circumstances.

- I thank God for everything. I thank God for blessing me when i dont deserve it. I thank God because Your love never fails, Your grace is always with me. I thank God, because You watch over me even when i let You down and not thanking You enough..I thank God because You are Love.

- Weak. Humans are weak. So m i. Fragile. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. I need to depend on You. Help me to remember to depend and acknowledge You in everything i do.

- Research. I am trying to fall in love with research. i need You to point me to right direction. I need You to show me the light and wisdom. Because all wisdom and knowledge comes from You. You who create the heavens and the earth.

- Pride. i realized that i have pride in me. Sometimes i m critical towards people. I think of how they should act and speak according to my own standards. Who am i to judge? yet, sometimes i felt that i m better than them. I believe that i have improved on this area over the years, but i check on not allowing it to surface..

Ok...i m tired now. Feeling relieved when i can put d0wn these thoughts in words. Before that, they were like all mixed up in a soup in my mind..i dont expect any1 reading this blog anyway..this is more like a personal diary to me, a scribbling wall..

time to hit the road and go home..

Thank you God. Sincerely. I knw i m not thanking You enough..